Skinny to Fit

Throughout my years in high school, I was incredibly insecure with my body and overly vigilant about my weight. My senior year of high school I was 5'7" and was able to maintain my weight at or below 105 pounds. Most people saw me as a healthy girl, just "naturally thin." Girls complimented my thigh gap and 24" waist. I was a lot of girls' ideal body type.

One day my 14-year-old sister looked at me and said, "I am so fat, I wish I could be as skinny as you." Without even thinking I responded, "You really don't want to be. I am at the doctors once a month sick from something, I have constant joint pain, I am always tired, and I can't lie on my stomach without bruising my hips. I am not healthy." 

I should have changed right then and there. Instead, I spent months being worried, hesitant, and complacent. I made a lot of excuses and got hung up on the fact that I couldn't help that I was "just naturally a skinny girl."

I ended up getting sick and my weight dropped down to about 95 pounds. I couldn't eat without having unbelievable stomach pains and cramps. I can't tell you how many tests, scans, antibiotics, and medications were tried on me. Nothing seemed to help and doctors didn't seem to be finding any answers. Eating made me sick but not eating made it even worse. I knew that being so thin could be adding onto my growing list of medical issues. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to gain weight.

I started off slow (because I had no idea what the hell I was doing). I ate as much as I could possibly force myself to eat. Eating was- and still can be- the hardest part. On top of eating everything in sight, I went to the gym for an hour a day five days a week. This was mainly weight lifting and doing ab workouts, no cardio. I don't think I can explain in words how uncomfortable I was walking into a weight room at first. I had played sports and been relatively active before. This was different though; I was completely out of my element. The only things I knew how to work effectively were my legs and abs. So I was lifting legs three times a week and had no idea what to do for upper body the other two days. I would look up workouts to do and wasn't entirely sure how to do them, too insecure to ask for advice, and too worried about how I didn't look like I belonged in a weight room. One day I just decided, "F#ck it." I really didn't care if I looked the part or not, or if I was doing exercises right or wrong. That's why I was there! I was there to learn and improve in any way possible.

It's true what people say... once you see results it's an addiction. A month in I gained 5 pounds. Two more months in and I was up to 105 pounds. I continued to see results so I continued to eat and lift and lift and eat. It's about 15 months later; I am sitting right around 125 pounds and have never felt this healthy before.

When I was 18, Girls wished that they could have had a body like mine. They shouldn't have. People may have seen me as "healthy" before. They shouldn't have. I was not healthy. Physically and mentally, I was not in a good place. There is a difference between looking healthy, and being healthy... and the difference is monumental.

It has been unbelievably hard to gain and maintain muscle. This has not been a steady climb to the top. The last year and a half has been filled with highs and lows. You just have to decide how you are going to handle the lows. It is easy to get hung up on the scale, body fat percentage, or things you don't like while looking in the mirror. Everything is going to change and everything is going to fluctuate. This is all part of the process. Getting down or giving up every time you are sliding into a rut is only going to set you back further.

Focus on progress, not perfection.
Change your perspective and keep going.